I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
It's happening again. I feel like I'm under water and my heart beat matches "Teenage Wasteland"
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
not to mention it took an hour of antique roadshow to calm my dick down
you're by far the better bro. your dick is more impressively sized, anyway
I hate that you know that from experience
I mean its cheating, but i figure i've made out wiht married chicks before so its like a nicotine patch, quitting by doing less and less each day
Apparently you can talk a girl into leaving the bar and coming back to your tent, who knew?
I think we should go through the tsa checkpoint with raging hardons when we go through LAX. I think we should pass out some viagra to everyone
Remember when there was a happier time when people could all hang out together with out the awkwardness of the fact that she stole $1000 and cheated on a brother with another brother !?!??
Because its Monday... And I'm determined to just be drunk for the rest of the semester
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
We're going to get naked and build a fort instead. HAPPY NEW YEAR!
I woke up in the bathtub with money shoved down my pants. I must've done something right.
She said my mask was creepy, took it off with her teeth, and proceeded to bite my neck. I love vampires.
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