i'm crying at olive garden. i've hit rock bottom
He took out the lube and started calling it fuck fluid
Remember the time we were horrifically hung over, went to mcdonalds, an you merely felt the weight of the mcnuggets box and knew there was an extra?
like it was yesterday
She's riding a tiny four-wheeler and has a Dos Equis in her hand. I at least have to meet her.
All I got from that conversation with the officer was "blah blah blah, you're disgusting, blah blah blah, $500 fine, blah blah blah, be in court Tuesday."
woke up wearing a canadian flag with the starting forward of the hockey team. i feel oddly patriotic
He just showed me how to break a chop stick with his ass.
yeah...that's gonna come up in court
I rolled joints beforehand. Lit a candle. Ghetto rigged taping the 40's on my hands and then lit the joint using the flame of the candle.
I'm so proud of your modern ingenuity
I Have a huge scrape on my knee and I need a better excuse than dry humping on a park bench...
There's nothing more rewarding than telling you that I fucked your dad
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
I'm telling you, I 'm beginning to think that my vagina is magical.
Do you have any idea how awkward it was to type ‘dog twerking’ into google search? Because I don’t think you do.
Our livers get a hall pass for 2020, right?
Randomize
