Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
looks like were buying each other an abortion for our one year present...
Are you really this nice or are you just trying to get in my pants?
Both?
There's banana everywhere and your hamster may or may not have stayed the night in the microwave...
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
she asked me where ive been her entire life and the guy in the room next to us yelled "with other women bitch!"
its like a catch 22, sucks that you've stopped, but its like a vagina high five
Dude. Steinbecking. It's when you double-fist coffee and alcohol to help you meet a writing deadline.
Best thing she said after I kicked her out "rugby guys have single handedly ruined my faith in men"
One of your snapchats was of you with a 40oz of Mickeys and the caption: "Deep Throat back in her natural habitat"
I sharted in my christmas pjs :(
She swallowed the car key because she thought we were really going to make her drive.
The cops asked Ben if he was drunk and he slurred "I'm man enough to admit that I am" with a southern draw
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