I got drunk and threw up on a kid at the amusement park. I think they're pressing charges.
look, i may have sacrified a 20% assignment for a sprite. this is what hangovers do to me.
So guess who had sex in a Ghostbusters sleeping bag.
The best part was that when I woke up, I poked her with my dick to wake her up, and said, "Hi, I'm Alex. Nice to meet you". Shoulda seen the look on her face. Priceless.
It's not normal to lose a tooth eating a McDouble.
I knew his night was already over when he started marking lines on the bottle and setting goals
You started laughing mid-cry and when I asked you said, "my tears taste like vodka."
I'm lying here drinking water from a shot glass..moving is not an option right now
My prof gave me extra credit for drawing a ninja on my paper and writing "ninja will up my grade"
It feels kinda weird thanking you for sucking my dick, but I just don't know what else to do right now
Dude i swear to christ if he sends me one more pic of a "magnificent dump" im changing my number
I sang Sweet Caroline with a homeless man and made him 25 bucks. Redbull vodka gives you wings!
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
Life should not be this hard with a dick this big.
He's finally divorcing her, so naturally he tells me that we're not exclusive anymore. His penis 'wants what it wants' apparently.
Randomize
