Now that the fun of having an iPhone has worn off I find that using screen as a coke tray is by far my favorite app
I spent my night drunkenly staring at a picture of John Stamos. How do you think I feel?
He showed me one of his balls and said "this one's free. you'll have to work to see the other.."
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
I can't wait for the day Google doesn't remind me that I got arrested for having 3 shots called 'frog cum' lined up in front of me.
Somebody found our where I was and called the bar looking for me. When the bartender called my name I finished my beer and took off like a fugitive.
They need to leave so I can start drinking shamefully.
She was bending and I said "finally, about time". Wrong, she was tying her shoe. No blowjobs for me.
She left a blanket, pillow, a glass of water, and two advils in the bathroom for me. It's like she knew. Best room mate ever.
Everyone loves nachos, first of all. Second, Ke$ha is entirely appropriate for the age grou too young to realize she probably has Hep C.
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
A stranger came up to me, pointed at my drink and asked what it tasted like and proceeded to chug half of it and then walked away.
By NOT going to the gym, I'm helping my future. I don't want stripping, prostitution, or porn to be viable money making options.
I just woke up hand cuffed to the bar and shirtless, so yeah I think I need you to come get me.
You do realize last night you asked me if shampoo had an expiration date then cried for 15 mins when I told you it did
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