I'm so fucking centered right now
Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
Take 3 tylenol pms and try to whack off before you pass out. It's impossible.
you were fixing your hair in the bathroom mirror and then fell backwards through the locked stall while she was in mid pee and fell on her lap.
sooo... you have no idea who nailed their tubesocks to my wall?
My asshole is basically a geyser at this point. Minus the excitement. Plus blood.
I should've been more social I guess. I feel bad not meeting the people who willingly sucked alcohol out of my navel...
At this point I think you're just judging my taste in men
Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
Tequila.
I mean honestly, what would you have done?
Not screw her in the church house?
I'm pretty happy on the couch eating Popeyes and watching Cops so if I go over there you better have drugs left
I promise that I won't shotgun beers with your boyfriend this time, Scouts Honor.
I'll just go on tinder. Seeking strong male to help take apart ikea furniture and move. I'll touch your dick.
As for the other mouse...I don't have any mouse traps so I put a Jell-O shot on the ground. Party hard little dude.
I feel fine lol. I tried climbing a tree but the branch broke and I got arrested.
Randomize
