My wife all of the sudden got markedly better at giving blow jobs. Should I be happy or concerned?
Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
this is two weekends in a row I've been the pantsless girl at the party. I love my social life.
woke up with 15 BAGS of hot dog buns in my passenger seat... jameson strikes again
We've had the 'life would be so much better if we were both lesbians' conversation too much for that to be okay.
Can I tell him I got herpes from your bong instead of from that guy who claimed to be an olympic diver?
I actively tried geting in the guy's pants and ended up in the girl's. I'm bad at this whole straight while drunk thing.
I woke up to some strange woman rubbing peanut butter on my thighs
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
Pretty sure keeping my vibrator in the same drawer with the weed makes it work better. I fall asleep almost immedi
Fuck it, I'm going to make my own dick pic album since iOS 10 won't do it for me.
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
Turns out, the guy I'm casually fucking has a girlfriend who's cheating on him with my sister's boyfriends brother who I fucked last year. And my sex life has now come full circle.
Love it. I wish you see me right now. I'm counting cash on my bed with no shirt on, beauty and the beast sound track on blast. Fucking creepin it up.
it's 1043 pm. still havent changed out of the shirt i wore last night so at this point i figure i'll go for twosies.
Randomize
