just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
I just saw her punch a kid in the face.. i always knew she was the girl for me.
ya she's here .. it looks like she just gave up and passed out on the floor
I am not going to ask my mother to pause a movie so I can have phone sex.
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
Did I really make him pull over to give the homeless guy my bra?
My signature move is making guys wonder why they bothered in the first place
i dont know the whole gay terminator look is really hot on him
I just wish the first erections of my life didn't take place at a dentists office but hey whatever I turned out alright
Ever had one of those went so hard last night you woke up at the foot of the bed naked wondering where your phone ended up?
I mean we all knew i was gonna get arrested eventually but shoplifting is lame so dont tell anyone. Well just let them assume public nudity or something
i've hit rock bottom. Eating pringles and playing taylor swift on guitar in my underwear at 11am on a wedensday morning. Sober.
I can't decide if I miss drinking or you, they are so closely connected.
Ok. Yes. He has a tiny penis. But he also has a trust fund.
The bouncer just called me magically delicious... apparently I'm a lucky charm. hollllleeeerrrr!
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