I puked the same amount of times as the number of bars i went to last night
If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
i have it on good authority that she is not as good at giving head as she claims she is
I wish i could make my toaster dance like they do in the second ghostbusters. But i dont have ectoplasmic goo. Or a toaster.
It's pretty bad that I know he's opening his door from the way it squeaks because I have snuck out of his room so many times this semester...
Considering the last guy I had sex with was gay, this was a huge improvement.
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
The bouncers kicked us out around 3 so we went to the grocery store flasks in hand and asked them to turn up their music...
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
I really want some funfetti cake but I feel like its more socially acceptable to go out and drink
Apparently we don't communicate very well unless we're drunk and/or naked
I'm making poor life decisions again. Tune in tomorrow to see how much I hate life.
He went to cum on my stomach and somehow it got behind my ear. He's like a fucking jizz Houdini.
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
It's a good thing he's hot, because it seemed like he was trying to do CPR on my private parts
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