you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
i wish that i had sketchier friends so that it would be easier to get drugs
we went to the store to buy cookie dough and conditionally went straight towards the booze
I bought a fake diamond ring to wear, not only to bars to keep the creeps away, but so that I'll be judged less by the front desk girl at Planned Parenthood
She was giving me a handjob while I was wearing a sombrero with a beer in one hand and a hammer in the other.
That hot guy i showed you guessed my exact bra size. I want to have his tan babies.
Drinking and pointing where stuff needs to go is hard stuff.
At this point all my Tinder matches are telling me I'll be fucking the whole male population of UMass '17.
I just had to pick up my "let's drink and make bad choices" hat, my banana suit and beer pong table from work. Until just then I couldn't figure out why I got fired.
Got really high to see my fist college experience unfold. Too high to find my classroom but I found the McDonald's down the street
Just laying in bed, snuggling my cat, and pondering whether I'd like to attend a swingers party this evening...
As your friend, who loves and cares for you, I have to be honest. I am judging you so VERY hard right now. Sorry.
Bro I just got a hand job playing tiny wings.. Hell yea
I found out he hated a girl that I hate so I fucked him. My reasons for fucking guys are getting bad.
He tried to throw up into a beer bottle. It was a complete disaster. Vomit went everywhere. It put the Bellagio's fountain to shame.
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