every time you feel disappointed with the red wings take a shot
So my teacher figured out I made a drinking game out of her lecture. Once my drink was gone she let us out. Happy St. Patricks day class. Your welcome
Make good choices ;) This is your automated cockblock message
Also, fighting a very strong urge to nickname your dick Whitey Bulger, at least for today.
yea i really dont care about the sex, i just want him to eat my vag. He has to be good at because of his tremors.
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
I am the slutty bisexual glue that holds this friendship group together.
I feel like if tampons weren't meant to be microwaved, they'd have a warning on the box, so we should be okay...
so my pro life roomate found a used condom wrapped up in her sheets with your panties. never letting you have sex in her bed again
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
THERE IS WEED IN MY OVEN. HOW AM I EVER SUPPOSED TO MAKE CHICKEN PARMESAN WITH WEED IN MY OVEN.
Fireball goes down like mother's milk. Btw your housemate is naked
Your bf is wearing nothing but a cape, I mean absolutely NOTHING but a cape. I know you said he looks like Thor but this is getting a bit ridiculous.
Fine I’ll come with you but you better tell that guy to wear some longer shorts because the second I see a rogue nut I’m gone
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
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