My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
So what do you think the policy is on vomit in rental cars? do I have to clean that up or is that part of the service I'm paying for?
im destined to be single forever. i hope its okay if your kids come and hang out with my cats.
I don't care how fucking drunk you are, you don't forget wanting to shove a wine bottle up someone's ass.
Who shows up to work two weeks ago still drunk and freshly high on blow and gets a promotion and a raise? This girl. Good at business. Super good at being fucked up.
I feel like your dick pick is everywhere. Never have I needed to be so careful when posting pictures.
I was chasing disarono with Bacardi and watching ice cube movies. It would have been an epic birthday if I wasn't by myself and actually had some decent friends.. Hint. Asshole.
Can cross "get fingered at a state park" off my bucket list
"Only you can prevent yeast infections."
The only people who really get me are strippers and mascots for sports teams.
You told me you were trying to learn all the MLB ballparks while you waited for your porn to load.
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
Found her grinding on my boss with her tongue down her throat last night. Guess who just got promoted!
I BLEED THE BLOOD OF MY ANCESTORS WHO FOUGHT SO BRAVELY FOR MY FREEDOM
cool u want pads or tampons
tampons please
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