what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
the young, male pastor of my church has a jesus fish tramp-stamp. I made him show me.
Who was more unwelcome: The two of us at the party last night, or Kimmy Gibler at the Tanner residence?
I went to the gas station and the lady goes I remember you. Broken sunglasses and puke on your car.
Looks like a significant portion of my drinking money just became legal fees.
lets just use each other and get past this awkward stage. forget my name.
Just got home and found him passed out with his ass stuck in a Rubbermaid garbage can. He must have been like that for a few hours
I'm still not sure if it was intentional, but the chiropractor definitely cradled his balls on my shoulder. He even seemed to adjust the sack for comfort. I think I should be flattered. He is a doctor, after all..
In my drunk state I was like I ONLY HAD SEX WITH SOMEONE ELSE BECAUSE HE WAS THE HOTTEST GUY IVE EVER EVEN SEEN
I'm not sorry for loving America more than everyone else
Yeah. I found my shirt from last night while walking back to the bar to get my purse/phone this morning. I'm never going to even ask what actually happened. Be glad you moved 7 states away.
My school has hired a professional rum bottle juggler for our dining hall this evening.
It is getting ridiculous, the elaborateness of the schemes I have to concoct so my suitemates don't know I'm pooping.
All I remember is you shouting "THIS KID IS A FREAKIN' NINJA!!" when he dive rolled over a barbed wire fence and proceeded to ask for his 18th beer.
Sorry I fucked your cousin. Again. I just wanted him to take me on his boat.
Randomize