Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
you dont seem to understand my overwhelming need to watch space jam right now
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
I remember saying "sorry" to the blunt before throwing it out the window
Bad idea. College students cannot afford both alcohol and a cat. Unless said cat is irish, and can feed itself with fifths of whisky.
seriously my hangover is so bad I feel like my eye lashes make blinking a workout
There's two big trays of water in our freezer. I just hope they freeze by Saturday. for the ice luge.
its Wednesday...
they're reeeeeally big trays
I woke up spooning my guard tube. Tell me I'm not the most dedicated lifeguard ever
While you were hooking up with her I pulled you off to make sure you knew what you were doing.
You said you were "testing the product for Chris."
I'm a bad man.
My mom was looking at curtains for me and sent pictures and I had to be like "not the Disney princess pink and purple, more like an acid trip"
Just got discharged from the hospital after getting my finger stitched back together don't you dare say you had a worse night than me
After sex he cried I didn't know what to do so I patted him on the back and went to the kitchen to make waffles
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
It was 3 am when she drunkenly tried to deep-fry a banana.
How'd she do that?
Life should not be this hard with a dick this big.
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