I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
I just found out she jerks off to lesbian porn too honest to god
you wouldn't believe how perfect a match this is its scary
So she farted while we were having sex but I was afraid she would stop because she was emberessed so i just went ahead and took the blame and apologized
I couldn't get internet on my iPod in this hotel room for porn, so I made due with UFC.
I'm not sure what to say to that.
I asked what she wanted from Hawaii. She said a baby like Aaden from JK 8.
where am I supposed to find one of those?
I know it's getting bad when I wash the bong more often then the dishes
So my girlfriend used a threesome to tell me she wanted to leave me for a girl... Not entirely sure how I should feel about that.
we took shots then she made me eat a dill pickle with cream cheese wrapped in a piece of turkey.
I just remember being happy that I got that toilet fixed so I had somewhere close to throw up
You didn't say, "No." And you stole more than half of my Snickers. You owed me that dick.
Visibly drunk girl eating alone at a souplantation just spilled salad all over her body. It was me
You may have gone on a date, but I ate chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs for dinner tonight. I think we both know who the real winner is here.
That's a beautiful sentiment.
HE WAS SUPPOSED TO BE THE TROPHY HUSBAND! I WAS GOING TO BE THE SUCCESSFUL ONE!
I havent moved from the couch and I'm licking peanut butter from a spoon, I'm a beautiful person.
She made kool-aid with tequila instead of water and rolled a blunt about the size of an Oscar Mayer hot dog. Best blind date I've ever had. I think I will love her tell my dieing day!
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