I want to take you away to a place of dolphin rides and hot stone massages.
Define "chronic" masturbator.
Dude I wish you were here. I'm innthe back seat and it looks like outer space and everything feels like rice. idk. wtf.
Do you think the party boat will still go out if there is a hurricane?
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
I offered to buy ihop waffles for all the homeless people outside the metro. It was time to go to bed.
The last thing I remember is sitting in a chair and him hand feeding me bell peppers
Dude I woke up in her bed wearing a top hat and bunny slippers and noticed one of us had pissed in bed. The last thing I wanted to ask for was a ride home
I was scared that I should know him but I was too busy blacking out to remember
My chin is breaking out a bit and feels all itchy and burny like I'm allergic to something. Are you using a new lotion on your balls?
my still drunk mind thought "hey this is a really good time to stand in the middle of the street barely clothed in 20 degree weather at 4 am talking about the blow job i gave him soph year of high school"
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
i just had to ask the gas station attendant what state i was in... winning at life.
im in missouri by the way.
He climbed on the counter and announced it was time for something called The Cocktacular and all the girls immediately left. He cockblocked the entire fraternity!
Randomize
