I want my own midget army. I think I would be a good midget army leader.
ugh i can't even wear this perfume anymore. it just brings back blurry memories of blowjobs and regret.
Would it be weird if I told you I thought of you when I masturbated?
Looks like I'm more than just your Mexico mistake...
She swung at the pinata with crutches
Also yeah I would definitely have to say that one of my favorite things to do is to get high and pet cats.
The US State Dept doesn't need to know I'm a high strung drunken whore.
Whatever. I just smoked another bowl so I don't care and wow I just noticed how fast my thumb moves when I text. I'm amazing.
do you want to shower with me?
only if we can drink the jungle juice while we shower
he was like "can i get a kiss" and i was like "can i get a taco"
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
Can we both just take a day off just to have sex? Is that acceptable as an adult?
I had cheese pancakes which is pretty much just melting cheese in a frying pan and then eating it except youre in denial that your life is a wreck
It’s a dick. Seen one, seen em all. Unless it spews a fountain of tequila, I don’t need to see yours.
It's dangerous to be this horny at work. I'm gonna stain my desk chair
Obviously you're feeling a little sexually frustrated.
I consider humping a stranger every ten minutes when I walk in the street.
Randomize
