see you put your penis in her and it's like an ignition key to start the crazy
I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
last thing I heard her say before I passed out was 'this is great. I never get to be the big spoon.'
She was singing my heart will go on into her barf bag. celine aint got shit on her.
I woke up with someone else's vomit on my ass. That's how I'm doing today.
Change of plans. Theres a bouncy castle setup in my apartment complex.
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
Took "drink until he's cute" to a whole new level last night...
I have a strong contender for the new number 1 position for fwb. He met me at the door with pizza and a shot of patron
If I make it home without being sick in this captain's hat it will be a fucking miracle.
Woke up pants less in the vacant apartment across the hall. It was unlocked because they were showing it to someone. When they walked in I woke up and said "this is a great place to live" and walked out
Why the fuck is there a goat in the kitchen
I just had a morning three-some with marijuana and a detachable shower-head
I can't believe I slept with a girl who has the words shucks in her vocabulary. I'm getting less picky by the day..
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