I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
All we did was argue about ponys and drug dealers
Didn't get to fuck her. Had to leave abruptly through window. Explain later.
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
I can pinpoint my loss of innocence as the moment I started masturbating with my teddy bears
Bad Decision October is in full swing. I was telling people that "I put on eye makeup today, I'm takin' a dude home with me!".
Also, I found out that my dad has the name of every boy that I've ever dated and their physical description, car type and tag number stored in his computer.
Apparently Angela went missing once and he says he learned were to look first and that it's best to have information on hand.
We tried the hang n bang, remember? You ruined it by crying and telling me you loved me while blowing me.
You lit a fire in my vagina no man can extinguish.
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
Tequila Tuesday.. tonight is the night I defeat the liquor.
I have class at 8:30 and I am not bailing you out of the drunk tank again.
So you thought it was a good idea to make plans for the same time same place with the guy you were sort of dating AND his best friend you slept with?
OMFG. JUST WALKED IN ON A DUDE JERKING IT IN THE MCDONALDS BATHROOM
Stall or urinal?
I'm gonna be late for work because i decided to masturbate and forgot to put my clothes in the dryer
Randomize
