note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
He asked about stds. I told him I don't have any... which I don't. They are now called sti's. Whooopsie
I swallowed and made him pancakes in the morning. I feel almost as desperate as Jennifer Aniston at this point.
you were saying "i am the vodka queen!" and then in a different voice replying to yourself "all hail the vodka queen! you are so beautiful!"
Fuuuuck. Forgot it's October. FYI scarecrows are gonna fuck you up when you're driving high
Post-sex chicken soup was such a good idea. It's been like an hour and I'm still applauding myself
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
Using the random money I found in my bra from Halloween to pay to print my bio notes. I only brought a debit to the bar. College win.
And they're not making a turkey. My cousin was "hoping to shoot a bird this week"
I made out with a guy so that I could get ahead in the bathroom line, totally acceptable
Throwing up while listening to NPR because I’m trying to adult through this hangover
Best news I’ve heard all day. Cookies and dick. What more could a girl ask for?
You literally brought me back to life and then fucked it out of me
Maybe those shots of hot dog water wasn’t a good idea after killing a fifth of tequila.. but who’s askin
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