how the FUCK am I supposed to macarena while doubble fisting?
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
I wish I could sell my textbooks directly to my drug dealer and cut out the middle man
i mean, i stole her boyfriend and beat her snake score on facebook within 48 hours. not her week.
He told me since I'm into organics I should know his meat is known locally for its quality and hes hand raised it since age 13.
He left my apartment when I broke up with him just as my booty call was walking in. It was a little awkward...
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
BTW rolling him off the couch and onto that tarp was pure genius. He definitely pissed himself last night.
"I'm 95% straight," he says. Cut to him on his knees...by far the most beautiful guy I've ever fucked.
Would you think less of me if I were eating pizza on the toilet right now?
There's a guy masturbating in front of Sephora right now
Woke up on my sisters couch, and it was like the start of a Terminator movie,my brother in law was passed out on the floor naked in the fetal position. We now call him Arnold. It was an epic night.
He stopped in the middle of us fucking so he could turn on lithuanian techno music. And the sad thing is that it was the best sex of my life.
First she snuck beer into the movies and then proceded to give me a handjob in the dark theatre. I think I'm in love
I purposely left my thong and accidentally left my ethics book, hairspray and most of my dignity.
Randomize
