Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
Afterwards she curled up in my dog's bed and slept there all night
How mad was your dog?
I think you came in my ear last night and I had to pick it out infront of my kids in class today
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
Ok so I could say "im sorry"...but instead ill just say "unsupervised...jager...military guys...green school bus called the juice box...and HUGE dick"
The staff doesn't like it when you try and take your wheelchair for a joy ride since I've been waiting for an hour and a half.
We didnt even know he was in the house until he came downstairs and asked why he was wet
About to go get a free burrito for kissing a bald man in public
I think my sunburn makes my ass look bigger
Is it bad that I coached my cousins 6 year old boy to steal a 30 rack of keystone out of an unattended cooler at our family reunion, or was I just giving him a social head start in high school? I err on the side of awesome.
How do you politely tell a guy that you only kissed him so he would shut the fuck up?
Sorry I blacked out in bed
it was real late and you were brushing your teeth with miller light. it was bound to happen.
And thank god for autocorrect cuz I can't even think in English let alone spell in it right now.
i just sexted for my mom while she was driving, i have hit an all time low.
Could’ve gone my whole life not seeing a man snort coke off another man’s cock... but there it is...
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