i just shit 3 out of the 4 types of matter
i had a dream that your penis turned into a long neck dinosaur
did it start talking like on Land before time?
IM NOT LETTING YOU PEE ON ME IF THATS WHAT YOURE GETTING AT.
I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
she was sobbing drunk in the backseat about her dead cat and how the guy in the front seat didn't want to hook up with her
He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
I'm pretty sure my moms getting nailed in the bathroom right now while I'm chaperoning. God damn it.
Woke up to a break up text for a facebook relationship I didn't even know I was in... 2012 is going to be a good year
I left the bar I'm on a bench across from the bowling alley taking a nap please come get me. I've had three lollipops.
My cat is staring at me while I drink my wine on the bathroom floor in the morning instead of attending class. Sorry mom and dad. Sorry cat.
He put his burrito in the bag with his dildo.
I'm recovering from the blowjob...She's doing her taxes...
I mean, you've had my nipples in your mouth now, so I think we've reached a certain level of friendship.
just woke up with nickles taped to my body. theres like a dollar worth.
He set the tone in the back of his car by blasting Marvin Gaye's sexual healing before railing me
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