Never write on a napkin "my face, your boobs" with your phone number and give it to a girl. Just a tip of the day from my nightly experiences lol.
We need to hang out more often
You were wearing a sombrero. And a crown. And told me to use the nerf gun to protect your room from the cat. You don't have a cat.
I told her for every minute she spent down there, I would donate a dollar to the Haiti relief fund... totally worked
I'm now at that point where it just feels natural to do a few shots of whisky with breakfast and then head to work
She keeps sending, "show me your elephant trunk."
high enough to want to lick peanut butter off of Michael Buble's vocal chords as he serenades me.
I'm really proud of myself for not blacking out yet this weekend!
It's a Thursday.
Your texting shows a blood alcohol level of .12
I shit you not, me and my date were in that bar and within a 10 minute window, 4 ex gf's entered. Every one clocked me and gave me evils. I swear they're conspiring.
There is nothing worse then the feeling after you've held in farts all night..
What's his name?
you licked my face then when I finally got you to the bathroom, mid puke you said you liked the taste of my foundation.....you weren't drunk at all....
I've been really sick the past 4 days. Last night, I actually turned down a bj. I may be dying.
He told me was "pretty like the wife in some movie where the husband is a cheater." I think I'm gonna fuck him.
I think a major source of concern would be the fact you snorted a shot. Who does that?
Go shave, and then go fuck the man
YOU ARE SO CRUDE, I LOVE YOU
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