I woke up on my floor...
I woke up with colors of the wind playing on repeat on my laptop...
capris are just wrong
its like "what can i possible wear to make myself look short and fat? Oh I know!!"
Whatever. It was high school. Back then I'd blow anyone who had enough room between their chest and their steering wheel for my head to fit.
A BJ like that needs to be recommended.
as i sobered up i realized that her cute accent was actually a speech impediment
so it turns out the huge bruises on my knees are from drunk bmxing and not getting railed from behind on the ground
and ill have you know that I only wiped out twice
So is it safe to say that my only objective from last night is to finish this entire jar of peanut butter?
my whole checking account just had a funeral down bourban street, paid for that, and then bought everyone 5 shots of fireball...
Do you ever look back on your life and think - man I should have never had sex with that guy
Next time you decide to go downstairs hungover, please warn me. I now have to explain to twenty eight year olds why you were naked.
He climbed over 2 rows of the cab and told some random girl we were riding with that he would be in the back seat if she wanted to have sex
I have finally found someone I enjoy for reasons that do not necessarily include his dick
Okay, but that still doesn't explain all the glitter in my puke.
Nothing like an afternoon walk of shame across campus on parent's weekend. Damn.
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Randomize
