I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
I just realized that the music from spongebob is also used in real sex HBO.
well yea, now i know i won't get hair in my teeth...
We videoed ourselves having sex... I now know why I close my eyes during sex
I don't give a shit about soccer but I'm really excited about drinking at 7 in the morning
oh man. maybe i should puke on his dick? just to test how much he loves me?
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
I have fiberglass splinters all over my hands and woke up with a sign that says PUMPKINS in my room.
I have so much boob sweat I could bathe a baby
No The bastards made me buy a new one, They don't cover water damage an apparently they consider salsa water damage
"Stranger danger aquaman" were the last words i remember. help me.
I don’t know what he is but he sure can suck a lollipop.
Dude I love you. So much. Thank u. I'm safea. In allysi lns car. Mine towed. If u loved me ud leand me 500 in the morning. Sleep on it nd let me know.
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
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