i just posted a lake picture of you with a dead fish in your mouth. happy july 5th.
he was wearing 3D glasses the whole time.
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
I'm cuddling with a baby pig and drinking champagne right now.
He wore nothing but a Speedo and a tie to the party. It was great. Everyone was looking at him like "this kid's the best"
He was rocking just a diaper, shoes, and a gun. Sadly, I would still hit it.
High me just had to pick the lock on my sisters room because I locked my vodka in there. I love vacation.
TGIFridays...stall number 1...drunk...send help
I just got my beard fondled by a drunk chick outside the venue. I feel slightly violated. And I think her boyfriend wanted to fight me.
I'm buying groceries with adderoll. I hope I'm never this broke again.
Also, the greatest of ironies: I got shampoo confiscated by security while Corey managed to get pot through. MERICA!
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
Welcome to Missouri, the show me your genitals state.
Dude, some chick came over here earlier and thought my lube was hand sanitizer. She poured it all over her hands.
Randomize
