Pappa wants mamma naked
Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
He's almost as awesome as vicodin.
Can i tell him you said that? Cuz i know that means a lot coming from you
I've reached too hung over to move status will you bring me something to drink?
I moved out 2 weeks ago remember?
Can you ship it to me then?
Shitshow foam night was such a success
When we picked him up this morning the cop said that if they actually arrested every drunk American who pissed on cathedral doors, Spain wouldn't have any room for real prisoners.
What people don't tell you about near death experiences is they give you a full on chub
She must've been waiting down the street cause after I said I specialized in inner-thigh-face-massage it couldn't have been 2 minutes until she was on my couch.
Drunk Jeff aka Dreff thinks he's about 3x cooler than be really is and about 100x better at dancing than he really is
He ate the contents of an ashtray and didn't puke, I think he can handle drinking a fifth to himself.
I told people at my moms bar that all I needed to sober up was to get my asshole licked, and I blame you 110%.
I deserve this hangover.
They just canceled the season. It’s going to be harder to bang soccer moms this year
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
Randomize
