I don't know if it's her mysterious past or atrocious grammar, but I think I'm in love.
My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
Well apparently "don't come inside of me" wasn't one of the English phrases he understood! On the bright side... At least he will get his green card for having an american kid!
To be honest I don't know what's worse, the fact that I interupted their shower sex or the fact that I was so drunk I used the adjoining stall anyway
he went to have surgery in the morning and apparently they found lip gloss on his dick
just got the results back. i love his dick even more now i know its clean
I chased a girl up a staircase screaming because she had a cardboard cut out of James Dean which, at the time, I believed to my friend being held against his will
I think I'm about to have sex with a second person before noon hehehhe! You're welcome America.
i draw the line when you ask for directions at a place you're already at.
How can I politely yet provocatively ask you for a cock shot?
I couldn't find a lighter, so I smoked a bowl with a birthday candle.
And you were like wow I love water shots they taste so good
And by "have lunch together" you mean me giving you a blow job in the back of your Tahoe, right?
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
Look, I am sorry I shaved your cat...but get over it.
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