and then he ordered a "diet and rum" like the most important part of the drink was the diet.
i'm sending her a home depot gift card for the hole i put in her wall. call it good?
I just ate a whole bag of celery instead of getting up to get a glass of water. That high.
If Bret Micheals dies..will VH1 have to go off the air?
Can you come over to my place and make up for the crap you called sex yesterday?
Good morning to you
Yeah I remember I tried to close her head in the freezer last night
I woke up this morning at 8 to my roommates still drunk, hanging out on the roof, and screaming at bikers. They couldn't figure out why they were into it.
Dude that girl I hooked up with Tuesday is in lecture. I told her I was from the Dominican visiting my cousin and was leaving the next day. Hiding under my hood and hangover.
Things I just found under my covers: protein bar, string cheese, vibrator.
Make sure you have everything youll need until sunday. aka a green shirt and condoms.
Its bad when you wake up with a penis drawn on your face. Its worse when you find out its traced..
It started as ''I want a romantic life right now'' text. It ended with pool table sex.
How does a law student 15 days away from graduation prepare for a pass fail final? Drinking beer, eating thick cut bacon, and watching game of thrones, that's how
In the past year, I've fucked 3 Dave's and you've fucked 2 Dave's. That's a lot of Dave's in our vaginas.
We need to start a soap opera called the Dave's of Our Lives.
We’ve got a propane heater on our back porch if you want to come over and eat a McRib in peace
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