I'm pants shitting drunk right now
So... how did lowering your standards work out last night?
I hope you shit your pants in a socially devastating situation.
Dude if I didn't piss myself last night I dont think I would have woke up in time for work.
She came to college a virgin and left on court order. We ruined her.
I can't believe I had to convince you to not drink butter.
Basically I don't wanna put on pants...but I'm stoked for drinking my face off tomorrow.
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
Haha he puts me in a mood mix of annoyed and... "just get in my pants"
Then, right before he came he said "I want to buy you so many things!" What the fuck?!
I feel like a girl who eats her problems away with fast food.
When all else fails, you can always look down at your enormous penis.
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
I gave him head during Pitch Perfect 2, I felt like the Bella's were cheering me on with their back up tunes
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
Thanks for the reference. If your boss hires me, I'll buy you a drink.
If my boss hires you, I'm going to need it.
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