I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
you flashed the cab driver so we didn't have to pay the fare and then you decided you were on a roll so you flashed the guy at the maccas drive through... safe to say your boob job was the best idea ever!!
I woke up to a bag of pies and a lot of questions
But you're the one who should be jamming foreign objects into my vaj instead of an old weird lady. I mean, it is your birthday....
I love our relationship. We just get drunk, show each other our tits, demonstrate sexual positions and make pasta. Then you go to bed and I sit around with your mom and cry about how proud of you we are.
Woke up with a text saying "when I get to see them titties again lil ma??" With 8 beads around my neck & an empty bottle of vodka in my arms.
Got a 72 hour restraining order. Can we meet monday? Let me know!
I have a better chance beating China's military with slap bracelets than this plan has of working.
I should never be allowed to dance around children at weddings. I think I just insured that a 4 year old will be a future teen mom.
That's one good thing about being an only child. I can masturbate wherever the fuck I want
I went down on her on the dining room table. That should count for something.
You know it's NBA season when you compare head to 3 pointers.
Two days ago a random guy asked me to sign his forehead 'cause he wanted to have the name of the prettiest girl in the bar on him and never wash it. I just saw him and my signature still there...
Just stole my moms weed, left a note saying sorry.. Hope she isn't mad.
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