I just broke up with my girlfriend lets go find strippers that need rent money.
Don't bone anyone, just think of ur vibrator lol
HHaaaaaaaaa mmmmn vibrator
He just asked me to come into his empty apartment after he called his parents to make sure they wouldn't come home while I was there. This is starting to look like a bad rape scene from one of those made-for-TV Lifetime movies.
look. either you want to have late night naked sleep overs or you don't. do not involve dinner and extraneous conversations in this relationship.
So high. I just took a picture of my chewed gum so I can remember to paint a picture of it as a cloud later.
We JUST got rid of the new years fatties at my gym and now the spring break fatties are here. goddamn.
In case you were unaware playing with rabbits on ecstasy is the greatest thing ever. I feel like I'm ODing on adorable right now.
I dislocated my rib eating pizza. I think I am broken.
How exactly do I approach the whole "Well that was fun. Am I purchasing the Plan B or you?" topic?
DID YOU REALLY JUST GIVE ME A FIRST BASE SIGN
Not much, just taking another sorting hat quiz while waiting for this porno to finish buffering
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
"my nose is broken but I'm beer pong champ so it evens out really"
I'm worried my dog collar isn't going to come in time. I might be trying on dog collars at PetSmart next week. That could get awkward.
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
Randomize
