I want to be a jewelry store heckler. "Hey man, is she really worth it"
is it bad that while shopping i looked specifically for clothes that hold their form after taking them off and putting them on again and again?
State Street has never looked so beautiful than during my walk of shame.
he came so fast he could have be employed at jimmy johns
I need to stop drinking. Side note- we have a party bus tonight. So the drinking will have to end after that
If the cops knock on your door and ask if you saw anyone throw an orange out the window I was never there.
On the plus side I'm getting really good at painting the inside of a toilet with my bowels.
Momentum is force x velocity. So therefore velocity is 0 - hammered, and force is ur legs locked up and ur face hits the ground.
I felt paralized they just wouldnt move. We need segways when were drunk cuz if we start to fall forward they well take off and save the fall.
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
I think I accidentally invented a religion.
Didn't know where your dishes went. Put em in the bathtub. They're stacked taller than you. It's like modern art.
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
I needed to pee, so I climbed out his window
Brother gave me a harry potter philosophy book for xmas we need to get stoned and talk about this.
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
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