Update, blind date is cute and fun.
Scratch that, blind date just threw up.
So much for the toy store...Not a butt plug in the entire place. See you tonight.
I wish all the girls i wanted to sleep with knew how big my dick was then id have a better chance
Don't tits with veins remind you of road maps?
Did you get the "i have a yeast infection from that wet frat bathroom floor" text?
I think I reached optimum potential when I summersaulted straight into a kiddie pool.
No, earlier you attempted Jenga with everyones shoes.
Results of pregaming honors college basketball social: 18 points, 3 blocks, and 3 flagrant fouls leading to 2 broken bones on former valedictorians. I'm doing this more often.
If drinking before honors events and injuring our universities brightest doesn't get you kicked out of the program, you're not trying hard enough.
I'm pretty sure every guy I've been with this weekend has made a solid attempt at getting me pregnant...
Dude, you were dipping oreos in vodka and asking people to try it, "It's so good!"
I need a thor helmet and I need to find my heavy duty drinking mug
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
Being able to fart in her presence and not be judged is why I pay half the rent.
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
I was told i took a shot doing a headstand in the backseat then proceeded to barf all over my face
I had no idea you were so talented.
He took a shot of vodka and AND ATE ME OUT AS A CHASER. YESSS. I AM IN LOVE.
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