Dogs love guiness but it fucks up their kidneys
Why can't we have signs that automatically flash on our foreheads that say not interested when gross ugly guys come around, like those glasses that get dark when the sun comes out?
my mom hid the smirnoff from me. this is the most fucked up game of hide and seek EVER
So, apparently, "i expected your penis to be bigger" isn't good pillow talk.
His blow is so strong I threw up. Buy it. I'm in nursing school I know what I'm talking about.
Travelers Top-Tip: Europeans do not appreciate being repeatedly referred to as "gypsy" regardless of how good your Borat impression is.
I feel like a color. Like a wavy color
Why is there a water bottle full of red wine on my desk this morning?
See you tonight.
She insisted on cleaning her room in the dark. 5 minutes in, she forgot what she was doing and started putting shirts on instead of hanging them up.
My underwear are in the stairs so apparently I did take the dog out.
Did you know that pizza hut has a wedding proposal box? And sorry for being kinda drunk yesterday when you got here
When he was going down on me I referred to him as "Lord Snow" and HE GOT IT. HE GOT THE GAME OF THRONES REFERENCE. I AM IN LOVE
so in other words, they broke and fell off and I ate a gummy life saver off of his balls
i'm eating pizza lunchables and telling my boyfriend he can do better than me because i am a functional adult
And then you poured the rest of the vodka into salsa and added the alcohol soaked pineapples and grapes and said "don't touch my salsa breakfast".
Randomize
