my roommates friend slept in my bed when i was out of town..she ran out screaming cause she saw my VCR
SOME GIRL ON THE STAIRS IN FRONT OF ME JUST FARTED AND IT WENT STRAIGHT INTO MY MOUTH!
all her text said was "asdfhdaufhudshfuds" and i knew that meant come over
In preparation of Wine in the Woods next weekend, today we're hosting Straight Vodka in the Bathtub
He'll choke me during sex but he won't eat a strip of bacon. Vegetarians are weird.
You fought the bouncer and lost, then challenged a hobo to a 40 chugging contest and lost. Sobriety is a good life choice.
DO IT, or I'll send you pictures of my hickey to remind you of your loneliness
Beer and tomahawks! Not gonna end well!
You're doing a terrible job of letting me hook up with girls vicariously through you.
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
Are we at that point yet where I can just say "I want you to sit on my face"? If not, want to go out for "drinks"?
I was "singing along to the Lego Movie" high. Everything was not awesome
I someohow managed to lose my butt plug in tne midst of moving to B.C. and I am not a happy camper.
I’ve seen not one, but three Facebook articles on my feed today about “how to eat ass”. Idk what the universe is trying to tell me but it’s needs to chill
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
Randomize
