I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
Did you draw a mustache on my drivers license picture??
I'm surrounded by too many unhungover people.
Security brought me back to our hotel room in a wheelchair last night. Vegas.
And if you ever tell anyone that I will fucking kill you.
Quick question, how many times can you get chlamydia before your vagina just gives up and falls off?
I want a coyote to ride back and forth to the bathroom because walking is getting old
It's great when the cashier at the liquor store asks "weren't you wearing those clothes yesterday"
All of a sudden i love everyone. In all their flawed and failing beauty. This is pretty good weed.
Is valentines day the worst or best day to ask for a threesome? I'm weighing some options on this high-risk manoeuvre.
Well, that was my first dog walk of shame. Nothing says "I've got my life together" like an inside out shirt and a baggie full of dog shit.
I'm sun burnt so instead of getting drunk and trying to sleep with you, how about we get naked and you scratch my body and rub lotion on me while I rub one out?
He's interpretive dancing to Crazy by Britney Spears and expressing his feelings for either me or the guy next to us
I'm a shining star this evening. Dancing with a cane in rite aid now. I should be kept under survaillance.
I'll give you another blowjob if you bring me some cake.
You some how ended up sleeping on one of the beams that run along the ceiling of your house
Randomize
