neither the pictures you took nor my hangover explain why there are skittles in my shoe
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
He was carrying a rolled up carpet saying he was saving it for tomorrow's Walk of Fame.
we hotboxed my bathroom. with nine people and two dogs.
I just test ran being their maid. I'm getting 50 bucks a month and they're buying the costume.
my dad just asked me if my booty call guy that comes over at 3am and leaves at 6 would like to stay for sunday brunch next week. you in?
I left boob prints on the hood of his car. Something to remember me by.
she bonged a coffee cause she was hungover. then she bonged a beer cause she got ambitious. then she barfed. then she had to start over again.
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
when your 30 and im 37 and we're lonely and single, lets make a pact to murder each other.
I really wanted to suck your dick, but I also didn't want to miss any of the movie
my experiences serve only to benefit you young virgin
I grabbed the pretzel bag with my toes last night. I think that day of yoga had paid off.
I'm not the kind of girl that sleeps with someone else's boyfriend. But I'm getting waxed just in case I change my mind...
i love discovering the tokens of our drunkenness from the night before. it's like easter egg hunting. today: smashed pizza rolls in the sink.
Randomize
