I wasn't trying to make you feel bad, I just agreed with you that your life does suck.
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
it's like heaven, but drunker
Please get rnbert tn get chebk h'm in i'm no dead when he getr gome
I made out with a bride-to-be last night at the bar. Jesus died for our sins right?
My mouth feels like I've been chewing on leather and firecrackers for the past 3 days
I partied with a deaf mute last night. strangely enough the more drunk I get the easier it is to understand him.
I just thought about how many drinks I had last night and threw up.
If you recall, I made a Zoolander reference almost immediately after you pulled out of me the first time we had sex.
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
I had to try on three different bathing suits to hide my boob hickies
I'm going to smell of sex and shame.
How is that different than any other Monday night?
Yea...Let's just say I gave her the best 3 and half minutes of her life then she took a 40 minute cab ride home that she paid for...
Just looked at my bank statement. 9 out of 10 transactions on the first page were from 9 different bars. The 10th was for birth control pills at the pharmacy. I need to rethink my lifestyle.
Randomize
