Why don't you ever send me any naked pics
Erica just called me. She woke up in a storage closet in Mike's building with one shoe and no bag. Can you check your photos from last night to see if she had it at the bar?
he asked me to marry him on one of those scrolling message belt buckels.... what now?
I'm not saying he's gay. Just that he prob knows what a dick tastes like
He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
Getting wasted on top of a casino. My penis is so much higher than everyone else's right now.
I really don't want to. I just don't know how to nicely say "dude I'm having a rough time in life right now and I just need to dress like a stripper cop, get shit faced, and have dirty crazy sex"
Update: I only have one shoe. The other one now belongs to the gods of jello-wrestling. May it rest in peace.
I either just got free sex or a nice jail sentence. Text me in 10 to verify.
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
... why is there a bottle of pee on my headboard?
I knew no one else would have gone along with it since it's morally wrong and probably illegal. You said, "Yes. And let's add fireworks."
I'm eating cake, naked, in bed. I am GREAT at being single.
I'm gone to the point of literally hugging trees, partially for support, but also because I like them.
I'M SO HIGH I FORGOT HOW TO EAT A STRAWBERRY. A FUCKING STRAWBERRY.
Randomize
