I'm starving. my midnight snack, aka a teaspoon of cum, isn't holding me over
the only muscles i have these days is kegels
He set 8 alarms to make sure I took my birth control on time..
On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
He just made a mudslide using rubinoff and swiss miss packets. This can't end well....
His dad asked what he was doing so he texted his FATHER a picture of me wearing his shirt in his bed.
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
Just saw some lesbians get in a fistfight in an Arby's parking lot. It's good to be home.
He's thawing a cheesecake on his stomach. We're that high.
I'll miss you, too. On the bright side, a night away from one another might give me a chance to recup seminal fluids.
Do you remember making out with the dude in the back of my cab last night?? You said his mustache tickled your tongue.
I think snapchat is trying to tell you something. It's saying your boobs were meant to be seen by his family.
dude, i told you to rally, so you sprinted upstairs, knocked some girl down, and without missing a beat said, "not now bitch, im in the fucking zone" and took off
YOU WILL GIVE ME MASHED POTATOES OR I WILL RIP YOUR SOUL INTO 7 PIECES AND YOU WILL TURN INTO LORD VOLDEMORT
Randomize
