My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
For a day that started with shitting my pants, things turned out fairly well.
You found Muppets From Space a little too intense, so you just sorta sat on the ground and stared at the wall plug for an hour and a half.
I just found a piece of glass in my ear from Saturday.
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
Hey. There is naked girl with "plz don't touch her. She just turned 21" sharpied on her chest. What happened last night?
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
You know the cave of wonders in Aladdin? That's how I feel about his apartment. Except with blow and other treasures.
How do I have sand in my vagina if we were an hour away from the beach?
So I think my motto should be "losing bras and dignity every weekend" but like in a really amazing way
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
Hypothetically speaking...if I was arrested in Wisconsin, say Kenosha county, would you post my bail all the way from Oregon? If yes, will you also accept my collect call in t-minus 13 hours?
Last night I had a dream that a man with an ice cream body entered a bicycle throwing contest and won.
andy told me i got kicked out of the bar and was so drunk i forgot and got back in line. the bouncer was zero impressed
Randomize
