I am at a bar watching a rat tail get braided.
just realized I'm too high to take the plastic off a slice of cheese....
i wish i could google "things to eat in my fridge" so i wouldnt have to go downstairs and be disappointed
Well you broke that rule when you put it in your mouth.
Just orgasmed in canada. I should get a sticker or something that says I orgasmed in a different country.
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
Quick!! What's a good reason for me to have rug burn on my chin?
Was she always missing a tooth or am I just now noticing it?
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
hope your day is as exciting as mine- one of our trauma patients just stole an ambulance out of our bay... WITH AN EMT STILL IN IT.
yeah that bottle of rum is only the second thing I want that kid to be pulling out of his pants
we had a "who's sex playlist is better?" fight.....
Pretty sure I love my nipple piercing more than I'll love my children someday
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
Did you pee in the oven last night??
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