So this girl in my math class just went to the bathroom, tampon in hand, comes back with it still in her hand starts digging around in her purse, takes her thing of birthcontrol out, goes oh fuck, and downs the rest of the pills. Got to love college.
Apparently as she was dragging me out of the club, I was clinching onto this european guy screaming at Jenna: that's the 12th time you've cockblocked me tonight
congratulations to me i think I am on the road to legitimate alcoholism
cool. same. I'm in class drinking
NOT OKAY
sorry for partying
THATS NOT PARTYING THATS DRINKING IN CLASS
I think winning the long island race means you lose at life
she's sniffed three people's necks on the bus to see who the good smell was coming from...
she's gonna get diseases
Just remembered seeing jalepenos in my vomit last night. Reminded me to thank you for sharing your queso with me. You're a good friend.
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
Why is there a chocalet milkshake outside our front door?
Alcohol
I'm literally rolling on acid for the first time during Thanksgiving. Help me.
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
Yeah. We had phone sex then cried together, it was beautiful and heartbreaking
Your life is a soap opera of great sex, cats, and booze.
With each thrust he'd whisper "like a ninja." Should I be flattered or appalled?
Randomize