If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
Pride was great cause we really can now appreciate how far we've come as gay people!
Doll, if you're still fucking strangers behind the WeHo Sonic while high on E then we've come as far as 2003...
Important detail I forgot to tell you: leprechaun loves david bowie.
He likes Jesus. Game over.
Oooh wait, he just told me he was high.
we took shots then she made me eat a dill pickle with cream cheese wrapped in a piece of turkey.
Had no idea what his name was when I woke up. Went through his desk, found his tax records. Ben. And loaded.
Well, I'm getting my ex-boyfriend to get me a z pack to cure the chlamydia I got from my married fuck buddy so that I can fuck one of my students.
just peed in rthe mens room but seranaeded them with adelle the whole timee so they didnt mind
And tell the hostess not to worry, she's narcoleptic and fell asleep on the way to the bar, but she'll be fine in a few minutes.
Who knows. Maybe the world would be a better place if more people sent their drug dealers thank you cards.
Just walked into the library with a case of Strawberitas in hand.. no one said a word.. I think they were just impressed I knew where the library was
Good news, my sex bruises are fading. Bad news, my boobs look like I have a skin disease because of it.
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment
Im crying watching 9/11 footage eating spray can cheese in my pajamas.
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
Randomize
