The girl I brought home was really impressed with the pile of blow you were doing while watching "Intervention."
it was funny though when you first woke up you pointed at my shoe and said i need my jacket and then put my shoe on your hand
You were spooning my trash can and I had to crumble cookies on the floor by your face to get you to eat
She was giving you that "I really want to blow you but I have to act professional" look. Guaranteed
Was just told that I was slipped 2 hits of acid in my in flight drink before takeoff. 8 hours to Germany wish me luck
Ryan learned the all important lesson tonight; Red Bull gives you wings, Jaeger gives you gravity.
We're at the urgent care down the street from you if you care to stop by
I had to explain the gravity bong to my mom. Right after she pointed out I have a lot of dicks on my floor at any given moment.
YOU NEED TO STOP BLOWING DUDES ON MY COUCH AT MY PARTIES
YOU NEED TO STOP PROVIDING TEQUILA AT YOUR PARTIES
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
I told the cop I was late for a booty call. He still gave me a ticket but he wrote his number on it
You know what sucks about being drunk at 4 pm? Not a god damn thing.
I would have wore underwear last night if I knew I had to change a tire this morning
She woke up, mumbled "the trees" When i asked her what about them, she yelled "WE NEED THEM FOR OXYGEN," Then went back to sleep.
We need to get on her level.
He was singing on top of spaghetti, and then started crying. He said it was the saddest song ever, "so so sad".
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