i went to disney world today with my friends, met snow white, then saw her later at a bar. she is naked next to me in her bed, passwed out. when you wish upon a star...
told my boyfriend i was a virgin so he wouldnt feel bad since he is. now hes asking why his dick is so itchy. should i tell him why?
i don't see why you should, it's not like you told the other guys with the itchy dicks.
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
Just told him about my threesome. if that doesn't make him want to date me nothing will.
My date keeps hitting on your friend. Had no expectations, but not a real confidence booster.
4pm update. Theres smashed cake inside my duffel bag, a vodka bottle in the dish drainer, and the most productive thing ive done is make 40 pigs in a blanket
Send me the picture of my mugshot, my boss got arrested last night and I'm trying to make her feel better.
You could become Eskimo brothers with my dad. How can you pass that up? You pussy.
I'M SO WET FOR FREEDOM
Is it wrong that I want to do a nude photo shoot with nothing but a light saber?
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
I just sugar scrubbed my vagina. If I don't get laid tonight, me and the universe are gonna have some problems.
So I just got motorboated by my grandma…
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
His sisters are going to have a heyday finding all those condoms in their bunk beds.
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