why didn't you say something constructive like "stop chugging that vodka"?
He was going nice and slow, then he yelled " BOONNEESTOORRMM!!!!!". I can't walk straight.
i'm not the one sitting naked in my room playing with my boobs and a cat.
well considering we left the bathroom with the mirror off the wall, a bloody nose, and clothes all messed up they assume im just a coke whore now..
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
Afraid I'm about to get arrested. Complicated situation but not a joke. If I do not text again that all is clear within 90 minutes kindly begin bail process. I have the cash to repay as soon as I get home. Details later.
I should not be in class today. For the professors sake.
I didn't ask for a picture of your soft dick.
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
I cancelled the entertainment for your b-day party.... Keep the bouncy castle just in case.
Going through Bojangles drive thru chanting "KFC" hammered at 8:00 was the highlight.
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
You just put lesbians and Hogwarts in the same sentence. Of course I'm in.
bring the pregnancy test and the margarita mix, see you in 15
Randomize
