shit! I think I may have lost something in your car. Look for anything that can possibly belong to me, especially look out for a pair of pink panties in a ziplock. I lost my spare and you better find it before someone else does.
so i woke up to her 8 year old asking for a bowl of cereal...
i wonder if i could find a boyfriend who would call me big papa
sure if you go to prison
is she serious with that outfit? Why doesnt she just paste a for sale sign on her boobs?
I'm naming my child veloci raptor. And you can be a part of its life if you want. But that's its name. Cause i have the vagina.
we've been at disney 20 seconds and she already got the cops called over
You got off, kissed my dick and whispered "stay hard" to it, puked and then got right back on top of me like nothing happened...
gettin drunk isnt as much fun when i can use my own id for it
A DRUNK EMT IS BETTER THAN NO EMT!!!
Sent him a picture of my pregnant boobs from last year, think he'll notice the difference?
I bought an american flag today and by god im gonna fuck someone on it
I'll do my best. he just keeps yelling beer and doing dick helicopters
Do I have to cook for the potluck? Can I just bring a costco size bottle of Vodka?
so i was about to call you for your birthday but then i started making out with this guy... and i feel bad but i felt like you'd understand
He was out clubbing with his SON. WHY did you let me KISS HIM? Also WHERE WAS HIS SON?!
Randomize