I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
I accidentally had sex with my boyfriend's twin last night...and he didn't stop me.
How was it?
Fantastic, but that's not the point.
Well I'm going to a gay club in my banana suit. You should come. My bro is going as a pirate. I don't know if there's a theme.
Fuck you I wanted that fabulous flaming homo to win american idol...its like we lost the gay marriage vote...again
I just saw a man with a full beard and frosted tips
there is no god
it was like the sexual equivalent of when Wilson fell off the raft and floated away
Today's face brought to you by last night's make-up.
Why is the garage door in the middle of the street?
She was giving me a handjob while I was wearing a sombrero with a beer in one hand and a hammer in the other.
Wondering when "babysitting" formed into "sleeping on the couch for five hours nursing a hangover and giving the kids Nyquil."
"But puppies!" Is not an acceptable excuse for trying to drunkenly steal someone's dog, you promiscuous midget!!
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
I fucked her ex bc she fucked mine but now we're cool and I'm watching her dog this weekend
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
Randomize
