Banned from zoo.
Again?
I recorded his drunk dial calls. My personal favorite was the one that began, "grab the bull by the horns and fuck his cock."
I just sneezed cum. He better have a damn good day at work.
I don't care what he thinks. My vagina has an open door policy.
my roommate is sobbing and looking at photos of elephants. i'm so confused.
What's the politically correct way of saying you've made someone your bitch?
Indoor beer darts at Rafs just turned into a trust exercise of putting your hand on the wall and closing your eyes while the other throws.. Almost gave Cale a Tracheotomy
Currently trying to figure out if the guy has a cane next to me or brought a weird dildo to the bar
Are you feeling okay?
Right now, not a single thing feels even slightly okay. That hungover.
I'm mopping my WALLS now. And talking to my mop. I literally just told it "yeah I kno that dirt doesn't wanna come off but were gonna get aren't we?" This is some good snow!!! mini maid needs to give it to their maids. The world would be spotless!!!!
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
I fully committed to my astronaut costume, to say the least. blacking out on moonshine and having a moonwalk of shame this morning: happy Halloweekend.
I have a terrible feeling that I made out with a fraternity last night
you know what? fuck you, fuck your nana, and ESPECIALLY FUCK THE BLACKHAWKS.
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
Randomize
