I can't believe he cheated
Whatever. Anytime she has an orgasm, it's because I taught him how
So he sent me a text that said "say hi to your vajayjay for me"
Was there any message he wanted you to relay to your asshole?
It got kind of awkward when her dad brought home a 20 something asian girl at 3am
My mom is purposely blasting Shania Twain downstairs so I can't jack off.
You graduated two years ago... You can't keep using spring break as an excuse.
We started telling people we were married, and then we hooked up on a park bench
There are only families here. I'm at the bar alone double fisting drinks. You cannot get any more approachable than I am now.
Everyone threw up but him. I took off my shirt because I puked on it. There were also a lot of drag queens involved.
When I see myself in tank tops and push up bras I seriously wonder why I'm not President.
This costume is too restrictive. The priest and I cannot get it on while I am wearing it.
Im at that shitty point in my day where I start planning night activities while finger dipping vyvance off of my desk, you got any plans?
You know you had a good night when you wake up cuddling a baseball bat and a can of chicken noodle soup.
I think you handled your pregnancy scares better than that cricket in your bathroom
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
I woke up in nothing but my socks and my hat a cigarette in my mouth and a beer in my hand..........GREAT NEW YEARS
Randomize
