3:38a: you guys up to anything right now?
my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
I'm drunk in class and I'm pretty sure the bible freak behind me is saying a prayer for me
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
I really like her...she always overpays me for xanax and still feels the need to fuck me to make up for it....
Seriously. We gorilla glued our hands together. Eating pizza last night was impossible.
He showed up at my door at 3 AM wearing a Santa hat with a tiara attached.
We're just Facebook friends. Use guy logic. I tapped your wife in high school, 20 years and 60 lbs ago, when she was hot and experimental. Why would I mess with that now? It would ruin the vivid memories of her that I keep in my spank bank.
I will find you...
Option 1: fuck me and bedtime. Option 2: come fuck me and then hangout with everyone. Option 3: don't fuck me in which case fuck you.
i love it when bitches who pick on you in high school get fat. thank you facebook you have made my day.
I called 911 when they kicked me out of the bar last night.
Dude on a beach in sicily and a blonde jesus just smoked us out and then tried to makeout with me I am never leaving this place
Oh god theyre drunkenly throwing knifes now, definitely the best movie I've worked on
I just learned that I could drop out of school and spend the rest of my savings on a giraffe are you free this weekend
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