All my problems are solved. I just got McDonalds and scratch off lottery tickets.
You left half a beer on someones car and claimed it was a second day of hanakuh gift
i am one more weekend without sex away from dosing him with viagra and locking ourselves into a closet.
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
I mean you can't really blame him. He's named after whiskey and I don't get along with pants.
Yeah. Let's save our goodbyes for when I'm obnoxiously and embarrassingly drunk and more than likely naked.
Drunk. But sober enough to know I hate gymnastics.
Every bar we ever go to has a woman there who hates him. Getting so much vagina has never seemed so not glorious
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
I went from naked with lasts nights hookup to Ihop in 6 minutes flat
I think that's a new house record
I guess I'll just chalk it up as a learning experience and a lot of great sex.
Now some guy that's in my phone as " Alex lip ring hot" is texting me and I don't where life is taking me
We were fucking and his phone rang and it was his grandma. He just had a conversation with his grandma while fucking me from behind. Then his dad called and asked him what he wanted from taco bell.
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
I woke up to half of the whiskey bottle gone, and apparently I showered in my clothes. Pretty good start to SB2015 I'd say?
Randomize
