I just cut my nipple shaving
i hope when i become a housewife i'm more of a gretchen and less of a vicky
i woke up, turned over, and noticed an assortment of knives stuck in my wall. i should prob stop drinking
And you kept repeating "I didn't know know that this was a no blow job zone."
Aaaaand then she sang MDMA to the tune of the YMCA song, with appropriate gestures.
You did this to me with your delicious pizza and moonshine.
I'll forgive you once we're drunk again by noon.
I ran into my parents house and stole a bottle of vodka last night...Apparently left them a note that read "DRUNK. TOOK VODKA. BRING MORE."
I thought I was pretty much sober now but then I realized I've been eating scrambled eggs with my hands...
Date idea: we should go to the store and buy all the different kinds of Lay's and eat them all
Specially since he wanted to forget that we even touched, which makes it funnier because I don't think you can take back licking someone's butthole...
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
I SWEAR TO ALL THAT IS HOLY I HAVE NEVER WIPED MY GENITALIA ON ANY TYPE OF EMERGENCY RESPONSE VEHICLE!!
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
Few clarical questions about last night: 1. How did we get home? 2. Am I wearing your underwear? 3. Where is Andrea? 4. Guy with nose ring last night hot?
1. You tried hitch hiking "like a pro" and flashed cars while sticking out your thumb until I called Michael. 2. I don't know but probably. 3. Who is Andrea? 4. Hot.
So then I got so stoned I sat and took my pulse for 10 minutes.
Randomize
