Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
I found the pot of gold last night, and it was full of bad decisions.
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
We have a tower of vodka coming. OF VODKA
You blinded her by spitting vodka in her eyes, the vodka you had just taken as a body shot off of her.
How external is "for external use only"?
You shouted "FUCK SHANIA TWAIN" and then downed an Aquafina bottle of white wine none of us knew how to react
Mom called last night while I was at the bar and asked where I was. I told her I was on the highway to the danger zone while the guys were humming the top gun theme.
I have a pair of clean panties in my purse. This is having your life together.
It was crazy man, at one point after already going 3 rounds I tried to breakaway for a smoke...she yanked me by the nipple hair back on top of her.
I FUCKED THE WRONG FRIEND HELP ME
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
Banged former boss. Adulthood achievement unlocked.
I'm drinking on a Thursday because I can
Today is Wednesday you jobless drunk
Our relationship revolved around Taylor Swift albums. It's no wonder it ended so fast
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