guy in front of me on the bus did 12 yrs, hes teling me about how to knife fight
I woke up and there was 3 different size condom wrappers on the floor. What is this goldie locks and the 3 condoms???
Have you ever seen a midget fist pump? BEST. THING. EVERRRRR.
Hmm. I hear gunshots, car horns blaring, hear drunk white people screaming, and see about fifty status updates pertaining to the hawks. I guess they won.
Vegas should really enforce the buddy system because if not everyone is going to end up swimming during the water show in front of the Bellagio.
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
There are a bunch of highly educated, advanced in their field, PUSSY ASS BITCHES in this bar
Whiskey??
It will be at least another 6 weeks before I say yes again. I'm bruised. I stole sex cards and a really nice pocket knife. I acquired a vial of my own blood. Talk about a yard sale...
I had to rub one out before the Shabbat dinner in case I find a nice Jewish girl to fuck me in the bathroom.
Your mother would be so proud
Almost caused a huge accident on the highway because I was distracted by how orange the road barrels were
And the 'kicked out of Xmas party' trophy goes to me. 3rd nomination, first win.
I tried to breakup with him by telling I had a threesome. He one upped me by saying he had a 5-some so I couldn’t do it.
If hypothetically I needed to puke on the bus... how would I go about doing this.
His relationship is over as soon as he sees my boobs. I’m going to titty fuck my way into his heart
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
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