Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
I am going to get arrested. I am yelling fuck repeatedly, wearing a Bird jersey and polka dot pants while pounding wine. Amazing mug shot to follow.
Found a dirty envelope on my seat w ur name and $122.50 written on the front. Nothing inside but what looks like dirty pine needles
Thanks for pulling me out of the bed by my feet atleast one of us was sober enough to know I had work at 5 am.
hes supposed to be my fuck buddy. im not supposed to see him on his knees praying by my bed when i walk into my room.
Ripped as fuck driving to get a portrait of my cat tattooed on my arm
She looks like she smells of sausage, sunblock and sorrow.
Do you count doing $200 of coke off his dick until 6am as a successful rekindling of our relationship or...
i saw way too much penis for that to have been a funeral
Wanna see if we can get cut off at bdubs again? The same hipster manager that is younger than us is working again
We found him sitting in the back of the club crying into a strippers lap. She told us he missed his pet frog and to come back later.
God dammit everything I said last night about jungle juice being awesome just does not carry over into the next day
You chose shitty college football over this pussy and my cute little mouth. That's your fault.
You know when you're a kid and you play at the pool until you passed out? It was like that except instead of playing it was sex.
Randomize
