He just asked me to come into his empty apartment after he called his parents to make sure they wouldn't come home while I was there. This is starting to look like a bad rape scene from one of those made-for-TV Lifetime movies.
So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
you assured me you'd make it home safe because your pizza rolls were waiting up for you.
dude all my bootycalls are going to Eclipse tonight... Do I really want it that bad?
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
We should probably just have a threeway and get everyone on the same page.
I don't know what he sees in her. All I see are horrible pancake nipples
I passed out on my porch last night. I'm still making it to class. This is what growing up means.
Completely smashed, masturbating to the view of the ocean. Family vacations are more tolerable than I thought
the gays at disneyland are vicious
guy at the bar just asked how many cows we have on our land, then proceeds to ask me out. you know your from the country when....
He yelled "Go Ducks" while he came
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
I cant believe you made me read bad furry sexts
the fact that I can still put my shoes on is a testament to the fact that I can outdrink these bros
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